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Novelisations! What are those things? How do they work? Those things are mystifying on many levels, but the part that currently stands out is the fact that they seem to be generally restricted to a genre that would probably have the least need of them.

They’re obviously not written to expand on the inner workings of the protagonists of character pieces. No one ever says, “Oh! I loved ‘The Descendants’, but I wish I could know more of what was going on in Clooney’s head. I must have the literary adaptation! It’s book club time!” But I could almost imagine a perceived point in that. Maybe. Almost.

But that’s not how it goes. The target audience is basically the opposite of that.

“I just saw fuckin’ ‘The Scorpion King’!” “Wow! What’s next on the docket for Edwin J. McDouchehat?” “Man, I’ma gets me some novelisation of that flick. Read me ‘bout some muscles! It’s book club time, mathafahkaaah! But first, I’m going to crush a cream soda!” “Dude, pun! ‘Cuz like, Crush cream soda!” “Fuck yeah, pun!”

Actually, I’m just going to take a moment here. Despite the preceding paragraph, my love for “The Scorpion King” is as grand and glorious as the empire of the arachnid sovereign of the title. That thing is a classic.

In 15 years, someone might come up and say, “Jaymes Buckman, the world loves you. What they’d really like is a collection of new, remastered editions of your favourite classic films.” Who knows? Right? I only know that I’ll slit the guy’s throat with my tongue if “The Scorpion King” doesn’t make it into that collection.


Incidentally, I saw “Iron Man 3” recently, and Ben Kingsley was hilarious. His voice in his videos reminded me of Heath Ledger’s Joker, which actually makes sense for his character in a weird way because Trevor Slattery’s a lazy actor who probably hasn’t been lucid since “The Dark Knight” was in theatres. Modelling his villainous role after that is probably the kind of thing he'd do. Also, I was surprised to discover that we don’t need Val Kilmer anymore.


That’s probably a good thing, for Val Kilmer doesn’t seem to be too interested in doing the Val Kilmer thing at the moment.

But that’s fine. Obviously. He looks very comfortable.


“But who will play David Lee Roth in the cinematic adaptation of Motley Crue’s hit autobiography ‘The Dirt’?” you ask.

That’s not important right now.

Actually, it might be.

But the most important thing in all of this is the fact that Val Kilmer seems very comfortable.


Copyright © 2011, Jaymes Buckman and David Aaron Cohen. All rights reserved. In a good way.