Where Has All the Sugar Gone?

 

Sugar Crisp! Am I right?

Perhaps I should elaborate.

I think that I should give credit to the marketing team on this one. When people talk about the power of advertising, they generally jump to Coca-Cola or something, but in those cases, the product does most of the work. Coca-Cola actually tastes good. Admittedly, getting people to drink it in the winter was a bit of a coup, but it’s still not that hard to sell in the first place. Advertising mainly just serves to reinforce its popularity.

This is not the case for Sugar Crisp. Those marketers had an implausible task, and they succeeded beyond sense.

I remember the excitement I felt when this stuff first appeared in my world. All of the elements of a joyous experience seemed to be there. First, you’ve got the name. That’s a name of pure, naked promise. Next, you’ve got the bear. The bear’s a primal, undeniably powerful symbol. It worked for Russia, it worked for the Norse, and it works for Sugar Crisp. But this is no ordinary bear. This is Sugar Bear, a bear with a calm demeanour and an easy smile. His mellow eyes have the seductive sort of heavy lids that would put Lauren Bacall to shame. If that’s not enough, he sometimes gets superpowers from his cereal.

For all the holdouts, there’s the theme song. Don’t doubt it, man. That bear can croon. If the Rat Pack ever lost Dean Martin, they could bring in Sugar Bear without skipping a beat.

All of this should combine to make something irresistible. Indeed, it would if it were employed in the service of a product that was even mediocre. For one brief, saccharine moment, I dreamt of the delight this cereal would bring. Upon receiving my first bowl of the stuff, I learned that that dream was empty, and I never looked back.

Until now.

I just don’t know how something with such a high amount of sugar could taste so bland. I can only imagine that someone took the contents of a pencil sharpener, condensed them, seasoned them with sawdust, and put the result in an exquisitely themed box. I don't know how something can taste dry when it's immersed in milk, but Sugar Crisp manages. I only know that the glory that seemed so certain in every facet of the concept that Sugar Crisp sold dissipated instantly with the first taste.

So. Sugar Crisp. Am I right?


 

Copyright © 2011, Jaymes Buckman and David Aaron Cohen. All rights reserved. In a good way.