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You Mean to Tell Me


You mean to tell me that Sir Ben Kingsley, Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, is playing a Marvel villain who isn't the Vulture? Am I given to understand that this has actually come to pass? If this is truly so, I would like to take a moment to address an abstract personification of Ben Kingsley. I'd address the real thing, but I have no reason to suspect that he's reading this. If he is, my words go out to him too.

Sir Ben! Have you seen that image at the top of the page? This is you! Adrian Toomes is one of a select group of characters for whom you were made. By my estimation, he falls right between Gandhi and any sinister vizier type in that special category of fiction suits. Your work with the former brought you glory, and you have portrayed the latter with serious style on one occasion at least. Honestly, "Prince of Persia" might be one of the greatest video game movies of all time. That superlative really shouldn't be so narrow, but that's how things go. We'll always have "Mortal Kombat". Maybe Lara Croft can come too.

In any case, I'd hate to see you pass into an adjacent world without fulfilling that final part of your tripartite destiny. Two out of three might be fine for Meat Loaf, but you are not an operatic piece of Wagnerian rock-and-roll nostalgia. No! You are something equally great. You are an actor!

In a world where Chris Evans can play two of Marvel's most iconic heroes while Ryan Reynolds portrays every other comic character that might have fit with the old Chris Evans persona, I'm pretty sure that they'll let you have your shot at Spider-Man. 

If there's anything I can do to help you make the right decision, let me know. Perhaps some manner of cinematic rite? A ritual? A sacrifice? From what I've heard, you have done an incredible amount of horrible genre films. The intricacies of your relationship with Uwe Boll must be unfathomable. By all accounts, you have performed ably on each occasion. In support of your future portrayal of Spider-Man's most wizened adversary, I shall endeavour to watch the greatest possible number of those dubious films. I've already been planning to watch "Species". Maybe that will ease me into it.

Copyright © 2011, Jaymes Buckman and David Aaron Cohen. All rights reserved. In a good way.