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Monster Mildness

Apparently, I’m not going to see “Godzilla”.

This comes as a bit of a surprise to me. It is ostensibly the type of big, crazy movie that generally requires my attention, but I haven’t really found the desire to make time in my ridiculously lax schedule for it. I suppose that my apathy basically congealed when the IMAX showings stopped.

Honestly, I think that this might have a lot to do with my fond memories of the version from the Nineties that faithful adherents of the legendary monster king decry. I don’t get that. I had a great time with that film when I saw it in childhood, and it holds up. I last watched it a few years ago, and it was still entertaining. You’ve got your Jean Reno. The Hank Azaria. It has that classic type of action movie opening I cherish.

You know the one. With the scientist? Approching some random dude in a remote part in the world? With all the urgency?

“You! You’re the world’s leading expert on this one particular thing that could, in this highly specific scenario, save the human race.”

“What? I’m, like, a worm doctor.”

“Right. You’re the world’s leading expert on worms. Your country needs you.”

“I’m not disputing that. I'm pretty well awesome. I just don’t really want to go. I’m . . . I’m all comfy here.”

“Come on. It’ll be a good time.”

“A good time? Why didn’t you say so? Let’s do this.”

And that worm doctor was John Cusack.

Actually, I just checked after I wrote that. I was wrong. Matthew Broderick was the worm doctor. Still. He saved the world. You can see why everyone thinks that he’s a righteous dude.

Anyway, I don’t have anything against any other incarnation of the Godzilla franchise, but I don’t think that I’m in the right mood to give this new one a chance without comparing it to the Broderick vehicle. Furthermore, “Pacific Rim” just came out a year ago, and that was basically “Godzilla” with giant robots, which means that this is essentially “Pacific Rim” without giant robots.

Actually, I don’t think that the giant robots were even my favourite part about that film. The monsters weren’t either. Those dimensional rifts were pretty great, but I think that my interest goes to Charlie Day, Ron Perlman, and that hunched British guy.

But a Godzilla movie without those three characters, giant robots, and dimensional rifts is just “Godzilla”. Who wants that?

Well, people who really love Godzilla.

Copyright © 2011, Jaymes Buckman and David Aaron Cohen. All rights reserved. In a good way.