Hot Apollo

Toronto's Shiniest Rock-and-Roll Band

"This Is the Fuckin' American Dream, Y'all!"



I think that seeing “The Great Gatsby” did something towards justifying my experience with the travesty that was “Spring Breakers”. At the very least, the above picture came out of it. Even without the weird way in which James Franco reminds me of a millennial Leo, his character is probably what would happen if someone took Jay Gatsby for a role model with no irony. I suppose that one could argue that Jay Gatsby is actually what would happen to someone who took Jay Gatsby for a role model, but I’m currently disinclined to give further thought to the subject.

In any case, the newer movie should be a worthwhile affair if your love for Baz Lurhmann exceeds your regard for Mr. Fitzgerald. The dude seems to prefer making translations instead of adaptations. I feel comfortable in saying that the film washed the taste of “Australia” away. At least, it would have if “Australia” had left any taste that I could register.

 

Act Good and Be Quiet

I just don’t fully understand why people are supposed to be good. Furthermore, I think that this expectation actually decreases the amount of good in the world. The particular conception of goodness doesn’t really matter; I believe that this applies in most cases. I think that a lot of people look at themselves and start to believe that they’re not good people. Maybe they’re right; maybe they’re wrong. Who cares? I’ve been there. But people who feel like that should know that they can get by in the world by refusing to act on whatever desires cause them to fall out of the “good” category. You know? I don’t think that it really matters if a dude tends towards racism, paedophilia, or bloodlust. He’ll be fine if he doesn’t act on it. That’s why we have laws. That’s why we had religion. All of this is meant to guide people along a path on which they won’t hurt anyone. That’s enough.


But it doesn’t always seem like enough. I think that some bad people who would otherwise be able to follow the path of apparent goodness come to feel that they should go on and indulge their malefic nature because they feel that it’s going to define them anyway. No one’s really going to know if your mind attaches racial epithets to your black coworker when you pass him in the office. Just don’t burn a cross on his lawn. Right? It’s not great to have sexual thoughts about children, but I would think that it would be fairly harmless if it stopped there. But if a guy is made to feel evil for what goes on in his mind, he’ll eventually be wont to think, “Oh, well. In for a penny, in for a penis.” And that’s where actual problems start.


I think that being a jerk is like being an alcoholic. It’s probably tough, but if you can get through life without acting on your urges, you should be treated as you would be without them. You shouldn’t be arrested for drunk driving if you’re sober. It’s enough to act good and be quiet. It’s not ideal, but it’s enough.

Drips

I think that shower floors should be carpeted to avoid the noise of the dripping that happens when you forget to turn off the water completely.

Preparation

 

Saturday's show was pretty great. We got to see some awesome bands, play some new songs, and enjoy a generally awesome afternoon. I think that it also marked the first show for which we were excessively prepared.

Hot Apollo has a long history of pulling things together at the last moment. In the week before our first actual show, we lost two bassists and a drummer. The bassist we got actually had to learn all of the songs on the night before the gig. With all of that, we still managed to play a good set. We've had a lot of experiences like that, and we've made some strides towards adequate preparation since. This weekend was an unusual one, though.

The set time we were given was slightly longer than what we usually get, and we didn't have time to pull together people for a full electric set. That left us with the task of adapting some extra songs into acoustic versions. Various life circumstances and a fracture in the guitarist's leg meant that most of this had to be done on the day before the show. We're no strangers to this kind of thing, though. We arranged a solid set, and an awesome new song even got written when I accidentally played a recording of some humming I'd made before bed in the preceding week. Things were set.

Unfortunately, things on the day of the show got slightly chaotic, and we were forced to cut our time down. I think that we managed to play two thirds of what we had in the end. They were two awesome thirds, though, and that incident of excessive preparation was a surprising new experience for us. 

Still Groovy After All These Years

 

I just got back from seeing "Evil Dead". I went with a friend who differs from me in his unwillingness to see every random movie that comes out, but this was one of those occasions on which he decided to take a chance and do it for the sake of it. For what it's worth, I wasn't that sure about seeing it tonight either, but I'd heard good things, and my standing affection for "Army of Darkness" gave me a sense of obligation. 

I remember getting that tape from one of my father's assistants for Christmas when I was 10. Was I 10? Probably. It seems slightly stranger in retrospect, but that guy's primary job seemed to be taking care of my brother and me. The whole situation is somewhat reminiscent of the sort of internship one would see in a situation comedy. Still, the guy was pretty awesome, and some sort of amiable connection must have been established through sheer familiarity, for that gift really hit the mark. I hadn't heard of the franchise before, and I was initially bemused to receive the final installment of a trilogy I'd never seen. He explained that the movie's greater emphasis on crazy fun made it the one for me, and I agreed that that made sense. I don't know whether I've actually seen the middle film yet, but my eventual encounter with the first one definitely reinforced the guy's argument. A fairly straight horror movie pales beside a fantastical time travel romp in my eyes, and that would have been especially true at that age. That was probably around the time of my first viewing of "Young Frankenstein", which initially left me in a state of confusion over the movie's placement in the comedy aisle of the video store. I watched it again shortly afterwards and started to build up a greater affection for it, but I doubt that I'll ever be able to say the same for Ash's first outing. In any case, I watched "Army of Darkness" on the first day of Christmas vacation, and the thing still sits on some nebulous list of my favourite movies.

This new film is obviously a different beast, but it does what it does well. My friend and I didn't leave the cinema with any sort of transcendent joy, but we had a good time. There is one lingering thing, though.

How is a decrepit cabin a relaxing environment for a recovering drug addict? Mother of balls. Cabins are generally pretty boring unless you already enjoy the sorts of activities they enable, and I would guess that most heroin fanatics aren't really the types who ascribe any great importance to the joys of fresh air. I doubt that anyone has a great story about going on a kayaking expedition with Lou Reed. I suppose that the included diagram claims the possibility of a slight overlap between addicts and cabin enthusiasts, but it's probably filled by adherents of the Coleridge lifestyle that mostly just involves sitting alone and suppressing sanity with a bunch of opium. And Coleridge's place certainly couldn't have been as isolated as the one in this film. For one thing, it would have needed to be in walking distance of that guy who interrupted "Kubla Khan" with some great offer on water heaters or something.

People go to cottages to get away from distractions. Care for a quick bit of news about distractions? They're pretty important in fighting obsession. For some reason, I have a very vivid memory of going to see "Clerks 2" with a group of friends. When Jay walked up to the camera and sighed that boredom was the first step on the road to relapse, the suicidal alcoholic who sat beside me proudly whispered, "It's true."

If the poor girl hadn't been interrupted by damned zombies, she might have had a worse time. I don't think that you're really supposed to sit alone in an empty room when you're trying to fight off addiction. At least turn on "Ellen" or something. Damn. 

Obviously, bad decisions are fairly necessary to enforce the plot of most horror movies, but there's often a bit of justification. The people in them have no way of preparing for the types of new and depraved situations in which they find themselves, and it therefore makes sense for them to be unable to formulate decent plans. They're not trained for it. But it's harder to condone the mistreatment of a friend in that manner. It's the same level of horror movie stupidity with less logic. In this case, it's especially weird because they specifically mentioned the abject failure that resulted from a previous attempt to do the same thing in that exact manner. 

Whatever. I preferred "Oz".

Again (For the Worst Time)


The inside of my microwave.
I have accidentally started fires in my microwave before, but I think that I was less worthy of blame on this occasion than I was on all the smaller occasions. 
I had a couple of bags of popcorn in my room, and I decided to throw one in the microwave. Good times? What I forgot, however, was the fact that the popcorn store had recently started using a new type of bag that could be closed with clasps. Metal clasps. Metal clasps that don't look like metal.
At all.
That's the clasp I pulled out from one of the bags. Do you see any indication of metal? It basically just looks like a wrapped straw from a fast food place to me.
But within it lurks danger!
That's a terrible picture, but I ripped a part of the paper off to display a portion of the offending metal.
While the bag was in the microwave, I took the opportunity to fill up a glass of water. Having done this, I turn around to glimpse the familiar flashes of a microwave fire. The mug of water in my hand did not thoroughly douse it. Two full splashes from the larger mug in which I customarily keep random coins were required to put the little blaze out, and in the time this took, my smoke detector went off. Incidentally, this was around 2:00 in the morning. Fortunately, no one complained.
I have a theory about that.
A few weeks ago, I was quietly playing on an acoustic guitar in the middle of the night. The guy who lives beside me came over to bang on my door and threaten to call the police. A week ago, the same guy wandered into the building at midnight with a woman who added her own voice to his raucous laughter. Since then, their constant giggles and comically loud sexual acts can be heard across the first floor of the building. Since then, I have received no noise complaints. Actually, I don't think that I received any before that guitar thing, but I'm guessing that my neighbour has learned that it's actually pretty hard to be completely silent in this kind of apartment and accepted the fact that you get what you pay for. You have your sex, and I'll play my guitar. Rock-and-roll is my bride. From the sounds of things, I should probably admit that he seemed to be better at the making of love than I was at the playing of guitar, but that's really beside the point.
Anyway, I jumped onto my chair and attempted to find some way to deactivate the alarm, but my clumsy hands took over the task from my technologically ignorant mind and inadvertently succeeded by knocking the device off the ceiling. After that, it was merely a matter of removing the water and ash from my microwave. Apart from the burn marks, it looks pretty great now.
The bag of popcorn was ruined, but I tossed the other one in the microwave after removing the clasp and taking those pictures. The night improved after that.

Jaymes Questions the Coldness of the Gun

 

Alright. I've been listening to this song pretty frequently over the last week. I think that the main attraction for me is the production. There's just a kind of shadowy mysticism in the sound that's helped along by the faintly innocent rawness of Kate's voice. Also, I may have a soft spot for bottle crashes that are used for percussion. It's probably one of the things that puts "The Lilac Hand of Menthol Dan" near the top of my list of early Tyrannosaurus Rex songs. 

I was already vaguely familiar with the general plot of the song before the onset of this week's obsession, but I've had the chance to pay some real attention to it in recent days. Basically, the woman believes that her husband thinks that she has become old and ugly over the course of their marriage. After he responds well to a letter she sends in the guise of a fake admirer, she turns the pseudonym, "Babooshka", into a disguise that's basically a version of herself that's made up to look like the younger, prettier model the husband supposedly wants. In this persona, the wife successfully seduces her husband and ruins the marriage by proving to herself that he has the potential to be unfaithful. 

But now I'm just confused about her reasons for being doubtful of her man's fidelity in the first place. Seduction by letters would be one thing. She can conjure up images of her faded beauty for her husband in her prose. She went further, though. Somehow, she was able to convince her husband that she was actually a gorgeous nubile vixen and maintain that disguise through the most intimate of all acts. I just don't understand how she managed to convince herself that she was so ugly in the first place.

Alright. That's a total lie. I totally understand how people can be insecure about flaws of dubious reality. It's not uncommon.

What I don't understand is why she thought that she was irreparably undesirable to her husband. She easily transforms herself into his dream woman by the end of the song! She doesn't even give that a second thought! She never sits and thinks, "Hm. How in hell am I going put these ragged old bones back into sexy fresh overdrive?" She just picks a pseudonym and goes to it. Was her name the only problem? I don't get it. It seems as though the only things that stood between her and a sexually satisfying marriage were a bit of makeup and a fancy outfit. 

I'm an avowed romantic, but even I accept that a lot of couples need to take extra measures to keep the boudoir loud as old age advances. A lot of couples even role-play with fake names and secret meeting places to simulate the forbidden excitement of an affair. If she'd turned the whole thing into a game and told her husband about it in the beginning, the story would have been a happy one, and she would have injected a new sense of vigour into her marriage. 

Instead she punished her husband for wanting a younger, prettier lover by being a younger, prettier lover. I just don't comprehend how that works, and I don't know how it ever became a problem. 

Incidentally, I did a tiny bit of research about the song once, and I learned that Kate Bush wasn't aware that "babushka" is a Russian term for an old woman when she wrote the piece. Apparently, the story's leading man wasn't either. 

Still, dude. Great song.

Dragging Me Down

I just finished reading "Gravity's Rainbow". I wouldn't suppose that that's a particularly notable feat, but it brought to my attention something I share with the man who recommended it to me, which I'll address in short order. I'll give you a hint right now, though. It's not a love of Thomas Pynchon novels.

My father introduced me to the book a few years ago. I think that it was ostensibly a gift to celebrate the completion of my first year of university, which is still incidentally my only completed year, but I'm pretty sure that it was just an excuse to give me a book and share with me a cherished memory in doing so. It wouldn't have been the first time. That was basically the custom in my family. When nothing could be found to celebrate, books could be given without pretense, but even the most insignificant event could serve as a reminder to get a novel or something for someone in the house. 

However, this particular gift was given shortly after I'd finally solved a problem that had been growing for years. The years were the ones in which the majority of my travel stopped taking place in the back of a parent's car, and the problem was the physical burden of books. To me, travel has generally been the connective tissue of the reading process. It's the gluten. On an average childhood day, book transportation was easy. Take it in the car on the way to school. Read it when you can. Leave it in your desk when you must. Take it back in the car. Then you're back at home with a book. You always have something to read, and it always has a secure surface on which it can rest. A minimal amount of carrying. You can even leave it in the car when you're being driven to a place at which books would be an inconvenience. 

Obviously, that eventually stopped being the case. I did make attempts to deal with the situation. I remember a long English vacation during which this problem really hit me. This was in the holiday season of 2007, and I received two books for Christmas. One was "The Picture of Dorian Gray", which I squeezed into the pocket of the last pair of jeans I would ever willingly wear. I finished that in the middle of the trip and moved on to the other present, "Don Juan". That was the primary motivator for the acquisition of my first purse, but this form of carriage was still too inconvenient to allow me to bring books to destinations that didn't allow for much reading,  and I was thus unprepared for situations of unexpected inactivity. 

This was finally solved when I received an iPhone for my birthday in the months before I was given "Gravity's Rainbow". This was a bit of a hefty tome, and its transportation would have caused some strain even in the years before I started doing the majority of my reading on my phone. I planned to buy the digital version immediately, but I was dismayed to discover that there wasn't one. Since that point, I've searched the Kindle store for it after every completion of a book.

I recently searched again, and I was pleased to learn that it had finally been added. I immediately started reading it, but I quickly discovered that Pynchon was a master of a style that I generally loathe. I can't really say that it's bad. I'm pretty sure that it's exactly what he wanted to make. That's a bit of a feat in any form of art. I just really don't like reading this kind of thing. That's purely personal. But there were little discrete pockets of enjoyment. That was clear from the beginning. The occasional line that really spoke out from an intriguing way of thinking. They were brief, and they were rare, but I think that they might have been the most salient reason for which I refused to stop reading. That would have meant missing the rest of them.

This obstinacy brought to my mind an experience with my father that recurred over a period of months. I can't remember the exact year, but I'm pretty sure that it fell within the last few. My father ran a book club with some of his friends, and the book of the time was "Late Nights on Air". If memory serves, it was a Canadian novel about a radio host in one of those northern territories. You know the ones. This could basically be the book that would be written for me in one of the more personal hells. It didn't seem to delight my father either, and he'd frequently complain about it whenever he perfunctorily went off to do what should have been recreational reading. The fact that his book was exactly the kind of thing that would have brought out the same reaction in me really allowed me to sympathise with him, and I did recommend quitting on several occasions. He was resolute, though. I think that both of us were pretty sure that his club would understand. Indeed, I don't think that it was popular among many of the other members either. But his dedication went beyond that, and he did eventually finish the thing.

My experience with "Gravity's Rainbow" allowed me to fully understand that at last. The motivations might have been slightly different, and the novel he read might have been legitimately bad, but reading "Gravity's Rainbow" made me feel what I saw him experience with "Late Nights on Air". I noticed that the book was almost over today, and I was determined to enjoy the night's smoothie over a new book. The ride to the shop didn't give me enough time to finish the last section, but I stood outside it with determination as I finished the damned thing, eagerly anticipating the opening notes of the copy of "The Anubis Gates" I'd already purchased. 

Smoothies and Tim Powers, man. I'd say that the night was a success.

You Mean to Tell Me

 

You mean to tell me that Sir Ben Kingsley, Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, is playing a Marvel villain who isn't the Vulture? Am I given to understand that this has actually come to pass? If this is truly so, I would like to take a moment to address an abstract personification of Ben Kingsley. I'd address the real thing, but I have no reason to suspect that he's reading this. If he is, my words go out to him too.

Sir Ben! Have you seen that image at the top of the page? This is you! Adrian Toomes is one of a select group of characters for whom you were made. By my estimation, he falls right between Gandhi and any sinister vizier type in that special category of fiction suits. Your work with the former brought you glory, and you have portrayed the latter with serious style on one occasion at least. Honestly, "Prince of Persia" might be one of the greatest video game movies of all time. That superlative really shouldn't be so narrow, but that's how things go. We'll always have "Mortal Kombat". Maybe Lara Croft can come too.

In any case, I'd hate to see you pass into an adjacent world without fulfilling that final part of your tripartite destiny. Two out of three might be fine for Meat Loaf, but you are not an operatic piece of Wagnerian rock-and-roll nostalgia. No! You are something equally great. You are an actor!

In a world where Chris Evans can play two of Marvel's most iconic heroes while Ryan Reynolds portrays every other comic character that might have fit with the old Chris Evans persona, I'm pretty sure that they'll let you have your shot at Spider-Man. 

If there's anything I can do to help you make the right decision, let me know. Perhaps some manner of cinematic rite? A ritual? A sacrifice? From what I've heard, you have done an incredible amount of horrible genre films. The intricacies of your relationship with Uwe Boll must be unfathomable. By all accounts, you have performed ably on each occasion. In support of your future portrayal of Spider-Man's most wizened adversary, I shall endeavour to watch the greatest possible number of those dubious films. I've already been planning to watch "Species". Maybe that will ease me into it.

Nothing New Under the Sea

 

I don't think that I've ever watched "The Little Mermaid" in its entirety, and its one of the few entries in the Disney animated canon that I've missed in the years since my birth. I remember seeing a poster at a theatre for its forthcoming 3-D release a year ago, and that really seemed like a good chance for me to finally see it. It wasn't due to any love of the format, but I like to see things in theatres when I can. There was a brief period during which I'd specifically make a point of going to the 3-D versions of new releases, but I'm really beyond the point of noticing the differences. That's alright. At this point, I really just like the fact that this gives studios an impetus to release their old movies again. Old movies in theatres are just the total thing. I saw "The Lion King" when they released that a year ago. I'd obviously seen it on many previous occasions, but it was still great. Actually, that one song with Rowan Atkinson did look rather amazing in 3-D. I will say that.

But apparently it didn't perform too well financially. I remember hearing nothing else about the release of "The Little Mermaid", and I was beginning to think that I'd missed it somehow. I've just learned that it was cancelled because of the whole issue with the financial performance of "The Lion King". 

I also had a great time with "The Phantom Menace" when it got pushed back into theatres a year ago. I remember running into the manager of my favourite comic book shop there and learning in the ensuing months that she'd never actually seen a "Star Wars" film before that day. But apparently the plans to give the same treatment to the rest of the saga are being indefinitely postponed too. Total shame. I was fully excited for the next one because it happens to be my favourite. I know that "Attack of the Clones" tends to be unpopular, but it's incredibly hard for me to dislike a movie that contains a buddy cop car chase in the first 20 minutes. It's incredibly hard for me to avoid falling in love with it when that chase is one of flying cars. For what other reason would I be so enamoured of "The Fifth Element"?

Oh. Right. Chris Tucker.

Random Acts of Boredom

I spend a fair amount of time on Craigslist in search of jobs and gigs. Sometimes I even browse around while I’m bored. On one recent occasion, I happened to find a post from someone who needed a fog machine for a film shoot. I couldn’t see any real point in doing it, but I had a fog machine and some spare time. A few people in my life offered mild admonishments and vague remarks of skepticism, believing that this act was a risk without any reward.

I do love my fog machine, and some of these people love it too. Like them, I would have been disappointed if someone had run off with it, but I just didn’t feel that that was going to happen. This was not because of some persistent faith in the good of man, nor was it motivated by some deep sense of generosity that I suddenly found within myself. I’m not really inclined to call myself an optimist; I’m generally just a jubilant cynic. I don’t think that I’m a particularly charitable individual either.

No, my man. There were two main factors in my decision to lend a fog machine to a random person. Well, there were three if one is inclined to include the fact that I own a fog machine. But the other ones were boredom and the fact that the dude who asked did not seem to be a very dishonest man.

After the shoot, the dude left town for a little while. He returned at some point towards the beginning of the week that’s just concluding as I write this. After a few false starts, we finally managed to meet again on Friday, and my fog machine was returned to me. I really didn't even have to go out of my way, for the meeting spot he suggested was right by the sandwich shop I was visiting anyway. Now the machine has replaced a broken toaster box in the role of my footrest.

Many have said that random acts of kindness will be rewarded, though this story does nothing to corroborate that assertion. However, I just wanted to note that random acts of boredom don’t always bring regret. Actually, I got to throw an old, dirty box out. I’m feeling pretty good about the whole thing.

Oh. And it was one extra thing that didn’t have to be moved out of my mother’s old house when she sold it. I just realised that. Solid times.

Anyway, the random Craigslist gentleman has my thanks for not being a jerk.

I always knew that you weren’t.

Torontosaurus Rex

Good news, people! Hot Apollo is playing a show in the very near future.

Unlike many of our other shows, this one is expected to be filled with nothing but awesome rock-and-roll bands. 

This is because it is being organised by our friends in the band Beasts, who can be found at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Beasts/213050728824911?fref=ts if you're interested in discovering more about them. One of their number caught an earlier Apollo show, and he just managed to find me on Facebook a few weeks ago. Now we're playing a rock-and-roll show together, and the whole thing is going to be a great time. 

I think that there is still room for more bands in the show. If anyone knows of any who would like to come, I'd like to hear.

In any case, this is going to be a beautiful night. It's not being organised by some apathetic promoter who just takes the first 15 bands to sign up. It's being put together by musicians with shiny hair and gorgeous tunes. It's taking place in The Central at 603 Markham on the evening of the 6th of March. It's pretty close to Bathurst Station. You will love it.

Ego Relations

I think that I might have a malfunctioning superego. At the very least, it doesn't seem to be a very motivated one. It's supposed to mediate relations between my ego and my id, isn't it? It doesn't seem to want to have any part in the whole affair. Indeed, it seems to prefer to leave them to collude and constantly make their own little deals. Small, insidious machinations of immediate profit and ignored cost. The superego doesn't give a thought to it.

"You guys do what you do. I don't want to listen. Fingers in my ears. Lalala! I'll just be in the living room, watching 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'. I don't want to hear anything from the two of you for the next three hours. Actually, if one of you could get me a smoothie, that'd be great. Otherwise, I don't want to be disturbed. At all."

Then one of the other two yells, "What kind of smoothie do you want?"

"Banana!"

"You're getting green apple! You hear me, you bastard? Green apple!"

Agents of CHANGE: A Prose Comic

Alright. Here’s the thing. I’ve been wanting to make a comic book for a bit of a while, but I’ve never been able to find an illustrator. I played around with slices of scripts for a while, but scripts just aren’t eminently interesting when they’re not tailored for the needs of someone who is actually going to translate them into a visual medium. Therefore, I’ve decided to write some scenes of this story out in prose and put them up here. If you know anyone who would like to draw a highly unlikely story of steampunk superspies in some vague version of Victorian England that never really could have existed, I would like to know. I might just keep intermittently posting these little script pieces until I find someone. Love and luck.

 

Oh. I just realised that pasting the story into this box messed with the format, but I don't want to worry about that right now. Enjoy.

 

 

                                                                        Agents of CHANGE

 

Overwrought in the sullied finery of deceased queens, a lone form thrusts itself through the midnight air. Leading with a greasy sneer, his bounds between the buildings of New Great Europe’s eponymous capital are unimpeded by his elaborate garb, the improperly mixed adornments of various exotic aristocracies from bygone eras. In the middle of his final jump, fueled only by adrenaline and a small set of enhancing enchantments, he pulls the edge of his frock above his rising knee and further away from the regal dignity of its original design. He slides his free hand down into one newly exposed leather boot to bring out the knife that he stored there in a moment of rare foresight. He hits the ground before he notices its absence.

“Looking for this?” asks a mocking, unwashed voice.

At this, the impractically dressed leaper takes his hand from his boot and brushes a few silvery tips of sable hair from his brow. He turns to face the speaker, one of a pair of thugs that has just landed on the rooftop behind him, and sees his blade in the man’s hand.

“I was. Yeah. How did you know?”

“You threw it at us five minutes ago. Right before you ran away.”

“Oh. Hm. Did you happen to see where I got it?” His hands rise to his head again as he asks the question. They move through his unkempt hair, sifting through soft strands and random tangles.

“You pulled it out of that boot.”

“At least I did one thing right.”

Leaving no opportunity for a response, his hands withdraw from his scalp with a pair of superfluous hairpins that he hastily throws at the men across the roof. Twin chrome needles charge towards their marks before any evasion is possible. One penetrates the eye of its target while the other brings swift death to his companion by the simple virtue of a hole in the throat.

The two thugs lie on the ground as the agent of their defeat, a thug blessed with the demeanour of a lord, staggers toward them with a drunkard’s approximation of grace. He stops at their feet, gazing down at them with ovate amulet eyes of distorted blue.

“Who are you?” asks the agonised man through fearful breaths.

“Chayse God,” the killer answers. “Gentleman Mage.”

 

It is the afternoon when Chayse takes to the streets, but the day is still suffused with a matutine light that forgives the sunken darkness he has cultivated beneath his eyes and the late start that serves to confess this cosmetic misdemeanour. The streets upon which he walks are those of an empire, and the irksome fact that they are also technically the streets of its only city just makes them seem more alive.

In the fractious years before Chayse’s birth, the dominion of Great Europe shattered, and the former hub of an entire civilisation is now merely a cosmopolitan superpower. The returning masses of proud Europeans from the colonies reinforced the city’s population, and the addition of a word, “New”, to Great Europe’s name consolidated its majesty, giving it a regal air to replace the lost power of the crown. An empire’s shadow is a brighter thing than the full light of a common nation, and the citizenry’s size and enduring dignity allowed it to deal fairly well with its state’s shortened reach, proving the annexed appellation to be the only real concession to insecurity.

The inconsistency of the architecture throughout this metropolis is a charming testament to its age, and the only feature that is even slightly pervasive is the virtuosity of its design. Grand white facades are rarely far from modest edifices of old stone, and baroque mouldings casually flaunt their garish appeal across from teal shingles that exist in relative humility. Indeed, the occasional building will even display this incongruity on an individual scale, cheerily exhibiting modern additions on its ancient structure. The development of a reliance on magically assisted construction is not particularly hard to detect for an attentive eye; its influence on the various design ideals of different eras is obvious. The age of uniform aesthetics has passed, however, and the city’s patchwork nature is now explicitly embraced.

Chayse approaches his destination, a particularly audacious building that has weathered more revisions than its neighbours. This is the headquarters of Chayse’s employers, the Cental Hermetics Agency of New Great Europe. It is the schizophrenic embodiment of awkwardly cooperative purposes, precariously maintaining the stark officiousness of a bank as it exudes the seductive perdition of a haunted mansion. It is a debauched hedonist’s answer to the Tower of Babel, continually redesigning itself to emphasise different aspects of its dark, protean splendour. To Chayse, it bears the mien of a mythic hotel, and he gazes up at it with a soft fondness that he has kept throughout his tenure by the virtue of his diligent disregard for punctuality.

In blithe stride across the golden marble floor of the lobby, Chayse is oblivious to the perfunctory greetings of the receptionist, placing his focus solely on the elevator on the room’s far side. As he approaches its polished crimson doors, which stand in defiant contrast against cavernous obsidian walls, he gives silent thanks to whatever gods or assorted apportioners of fate have allowed him to work in an office of such garish design, though any listening deities would perhaps be tired of these prayers by now.

His ride to the penultimate floor of the tower is a dreamy one, and nothing encroaches on his reverie but the faint mixture of ethereal music and the soft hum of the arcane energies that propel him up towards his destination. He steps out from the lift into the wide, carpeted hallways, proceeding to the far end where the agency’s chief officer dwells.

“Good afternoon, Agent God,” lilts a receptionist’s voice. “Mr Bordello is waiting for you.”
“Thanks,” Chayse replies, sparing a brief nod as he continues towards the officer’s door. “I hope that he hasn’t been waiting long.”

“Then your hopes are as vain as you are.” A tall black chair, oriented towards a window at the end of the spacious office, whirls around to reveal the speaker as Chayse enters.

“Ah! Michael! It’s great to see you,” Chayse exclaims as he takes a seat before his superior’s desk.

“I could almost say the same,” the sturdy, unshaven man on the other side mutters. “Get the door, will you?”

“I’m already sitting.”

“I think that we need to discuss your behaviour on last night’s mission,” Bordello continues, ignoring his guest’s refusal.

“What? I hardly expected you to be troubled by a bit of excessive brutality.”

“It wasn’t the brutality I was referring to,” Bordello says sternly, motioning with a callous hand towards the soiled dress that Chayse still wears.

“Oh. I hardly expected you to be troubled by that either.”

“This was supposed to be a reconnaissance mission! Follow the spies. Get proof of their allegiances. No one told you to kill them!”
“I thought that it was implied.”

“Why would it be implied?”

“Isn’t it always?”

“It . . . It usually is, I suppose. But I can’t see how you intend to remain undetected when you’re dressed in all this business!”

“Undetected? I thought that I was acting more in the capacity of an agent provocateur. Draw them out. Get them to profess their intentions against the state. Sort of thing.”

“And did you do that?”

“Obviously, they’re seeking to destabilise this agency and the great nation it serves. For what other reason would they try to kill me?”

“I’m leaving this discussion for now. We have more pressing matters at hand. One thing, though. Be honest. How long have you been wearing that thing?”

“Since that little palace raid in Moscow.”

“The uprising? That was three weeks ago.”

“Yes.”

“Fantastic.” Michael sighed. “Look. The situation in Teutonia, it’s . . . Well, it’s been in a constant state of deterioration since that jackboot Manich son-of-a-bitched his way into power 30 years ago, but things just got worse.”

“Isn’t that what things do? I thought that we’d given up on Teutonia for the moment. Let things sit for a while. Hasn’t that been the plan?”

“Ordinarily, yes. Top marks for attention, Chayse. But we’ve just received a disturbing bit of information. Or . . . Noticed, more like. Do you recall working with an agent of ours by the name of Fortunado?”

“Of course. He’s an old friend. Fortunado Binks.”

“Actually, I believe he prefers to go by ‘Lamour’ these days.”

“Yes, I suppose he would, wouldn’t he?” quips a new voice at the door. It is a raw, honest voice, and its plebeian undertones belie the subdued sartorial elegance of the diminutive speaker as he closes the office door behind him. As he pulls up a chair by the desk, he glares at Chayse. “A name like ‘Binks’ doesn’t really gel with that darkly romantic image you poncy nobles try ever so hard to cultivate, does it?”

“Ah! Jonathan!” cries Michael in relief. “Thanks for getting the door. What took you so long? I’ve just been . . . Well, I’ve been with Chayse.”

“Sorry, sir. I had a thing.”

“Fair enough. Chayse, I believe you know Jonathan Estmort, our Agent Leroy?”

“We have been acquainted.”

“Sad but true,” sighs Leroy. “Anyway. What’s all this about?”

“I’ve just been briefing Mr God on a new situation Lamour’s gotten himself into. Fortunado took a leave of absence a couple of months back, but he was due to return two weeks ago.

“So? It wouldn’t be the first time that brat’s taken an extended vacation. I’m not seeing the fuss.”

“The fuss is that two weeks is ridiculous even for him!”

“Or me,” murmurs Chayse, raising a hand.

“Or you. Yes, thank you, Chayse. Even that’s not what’s got me worried. His last known location was near Teutonia, and we haven’t heard from the boy in weeks. Needless to say, a bit of foul play’s been suspected.”

“You must be joking,” says Leroy. “You expect us to go on a wild hunt for some dissipated aristocrat? He’s probably just drunk off his ass in the bottom of some hostel somewhere.”

“Naked,” Chayse adds.

“Yes. Drunk and naked. As is his custom. Why are we even wasting breath on this fool?”

“Foolish though he may be, the agency considers Lamour an asset and, if I’ve slept well, I often agree. Given the average Teuton’s reaction to a European nobleman, I rather doubt there’s a hostel in the region that would take him alive, clad or no.”

Pausing for a moment, Michael stands and turns to the window. After a few seconds of thought, he turns back to the seated pair and places his hands firmly on the desk.

“There’s no time for arguing, nor’s there much point. There’s a zeppelin on the roof, and I want you two on it quick-like. Pack your smiles, boys. You’re off for Teutonia.”


Cannibal Bastards

I’m not sure that I’m entirely appreciative of the way in which one’s tastes in entertainment inform pride.

Sometimes it just seems like a lewd throwback to the conquest culture that was so prevalent among all of those primitive, misogynistic eras from which modernity longs to remove itself. The cosmopolitan attitudes that now spread across the world loudly announce their disgust at the idea that a man should seek to seduce comely girls for the sake of pride. Sex is finally a thing to be desired for its own sake, and the libido is the rightful beneficiary of the satisfaction it provides. The ego must be gratified through other means. Perhaps that is why the particular art one enjoys now serves as a mark of worth, but the effect is similarly insidious.

If one should not feel pride for the nameless body that recently wandered out of one’s bed and life, why should one feel it for the book that sits on the nightstand? A father may feel some pride for his daughter as an author does for his novel, but the husband and the fan should be content to appreciate their loves.

The consumption of fiction can be a powerful experience, but the same can be said of anthropophagy. In both cases, the act should be enjoyed for its own sake instead of some imagined boon that is supposed to result from it. Like the pagan who believed that he could gain the strength of his enemy by eating his heart, the cultured pedant feels that his own power is increased by the simple act of devouring the delicately prepared dish that he has selected for sustenance.

One can taste human flesh without making a lifestyle out of it, but I must confess to the occasional abhorrent feeling at the rampant cannibal who defines himself by the stories he serves at his feasts. He is but a lonely narrative of flesh, sucking the marrow from the lifeless bones of brethren whose only misfortune was birth from less autonomous media.

Criticism is mindlessly ambitious taxidermy of a sort that quickly becomes grotesque. The most profound display of its depravity’s depth comes from the practitioner that takes the death of the author into his own hands, using the opportunity to craft perverted interpretations into twisted jackalopes of meaning.

Original intention? Integrity? Integrity makes the paleontologist a fossil.

Though my experience has not shown me that the position of such charlatans is often held by those who seek to create true glories, I fear not the contrivances of these mad showmen. Their fabricated chimeras are inevitably relegated to the dusty shelves of neglected museums, and they rarely provide lasting harm.

Consumption is still an enjoyable and worthy activity, and it is certainly one in which I indulge, but I don’t generally like to consume the fiction I truly respect. That stuff requires a different ritual.

You’ve got to fight it. You’re ready. It knows that. The dance has to be a worthy one, and you’ve got to be worthy too. Of course you are. You always were. You’ve been ready to take on any conceivable story since you first popped into this world, mewling in choleric pentameter through tears of ink. Skin the beast! Flay it while it still lives. Wear its hide like the impenetrable pelt of some ancient demonic lion from a numinous age. Let the lingering blood run down your skin.

Perhaps you’ll fashion bones into stylish and reasonably practical weapons. Mix its juices into the wine of your friends.

What are you going to do with the remains? It’s probably best to go with whatever springs to mind. Your first thought is to throw it on a pyre. Make a sacrifice to some patriarchal god. A peace offering? Yes. A peace offering on behalf of some fire thief of whom you have definitely never heard. He sounds like a handsome fellow, though. You give your regards to the sky father, but you really must be on your way now. You apologise for your inability to stay and chat. You’ve got to be moving along. Places to go. People to see. You’ve got this lovely new coat to show off.

In any case, that’s how I do it.


Illumination

The natural comfort this apartment offered when it first became mine is still intact. The recent problems with the air conditioning system, a normally stolid generator of warmth that would bring torrid doom to any man who did not court heat so fervently, have done nothing significant to diminish my love for the room. During the earliest days of my tenancy, I noted the faintest shiver of trepidation over the thought of the conditions that my first winter would bring, though I was quickly calmed when I was informed of regulations on building temperatures that would guard against my frigid fears.

The only enduring sliver of nervous anticipation I've ever had for my room's future came into being slightly later. I walked into my bathroom upon one afternoon to discover that a new dimness had come to occupy that cramped space.

I should mention that my disregard for the aesthetics of my surroundings does not simply extend to the realm of the porcelain throne. Instead, it crosses the border into that musty zone and expands. It breaks off and forms a new empire of disregard, taking a dirty beige shower curtain for its flag. 

For this very reason, the lowering of the light in that section of my apartment was not enough to bother me, but it made me aware of the possibility that the remote reaches of future months would see the demise of the bulb that brought tender and dependable illumination to the main room.

I have changed bulbs in my time, but I have always done so after long years in which I was able to develop intimate, trusting relationships with the fixtures that held them. Though the presence of this light has consistently provided me with pleasant company, those erstwhile bonds have not been matched. I suspect the presence of unruly matter within the confines of its translucent dome. There was one summer day on which I returned from work to find a solitary leaf that dangled ominously on a thread attached to its glass. I still don't know what to do with that.

The situation is exacerbated by its location directly above my desk. I do not desire to know what rogue particles could fall and mix themselves in amongst the fairly sterile clutter that adorns my table.

On Friday, I rose to turn on the light, seeking the extra motivation that it generally bestows upon a body in the middle of its escape from slumber. Though I had dutifully switched it off before I lay myself down on the previous night, it would not come on. The remaining daylight convinced me to delay my concerns on the matter and go about normal business.

While I wandered the streets, two things befell me. One was the early darkness of winter, and the other was the realisation that the potentially fearful changing of the bulb could be postponed further by the acquisition of an obsolete lamp from the desk of my father's vacant study. 

When I returned from this journey, I eagerly plugged it in and oriented it towards the ceiling, allowing it to cast a new glow that only served to enhance the amniotic ambience of the apartment. It still looks slightly weird when I look directly at the celing, but that's basically what ceilings are for anyway. I have now convinced myself that I will never need to change the original bulb, and this makes me happy.

Left Field Bolt Blues

I just want to take a moment to share one thing I love about the American government. I don't really know whether it's unique to them, but I think that it's pretty admirable. 

You know that narrative device by which things occur that are unthinkable even within the world of the story? Did you ever see "Battleship"? Great movie. Terrible movie. I've probably made a post about it at some point. In any case, Taylor Kitsch's surname is totally appropriate for the types of movies he makes.

No. Wait. That wasn't the point.

Anyway, aliens come down on American soldiers, and no one has any idea about what can be done to stop them.

In reality, it probably wouldn't work out exactly like that. There's some drawer in the government that resembles the mind of the craziest conspiracy theorist. It has plans for alien invasions. For zombie outbreaks. For any number of things that go beyond the experience of humanity.

Unlike the conspiracy theorists, they don't do it because they think that these things are ever going to happen. They do it because they think that they won't happen.

The strategists train themselves to be prepared for things that won't ever require preparation because they want to be prepared for situations in which preparation isn't an option. Aliens and zombies aren't the point. The point is a system that teaches ideal reactions to scenarios that could never be imagined.

I just think that that's pretty awesome.

Heroes?

‘“Heroes”’? Are you joking? ‘"Heroes”’? Alright. Just . . . For a second. Whatever.

So. An individual who is quite close to me recommended a movie. I suspect that this recommendation might have been partially motivated by the heavy presence of Emma Watson, but I can’t be dealing with such idle speculation at this juncture. I’ll just say that a pig with a funny name isn’t going to help anyone. Probably. I don’t know. I mean . .  . Maybe you could sell it. If anyone could, it’d be you.

Anyway. You have these youths. Right? Apparently, they have great taste in music, but it goes beyond that. On some level, they are defined by it. It gets to the point of stopping during a party to point out the supposed surprise at the fact that good music is actually being played there. It seemed weird for them to mention that because of “Come on Eileen”, but that’s really just my thing. I suppose that it’s a decent song. I really wouldn’t know.

Whatever. Fine. That’s how taste works.

But this isn’t about taste. This is about . . .

How do you not know ‘“Heroes”’? I’m not saying this because I love David Bowie. The dude has recorded a lot of stuff, and a lot of people love him in many different ways. The classic rock aficionados have “Ziggy Stardust”. The serious artistic types have “Station to Station”. Even the soul types have stuff like “Young Americans”. Incidentally, I might be totally wrong with these assumptions, but I think that the point is still being expressed adequately. The guy has recorded heaps of diverse music, and each section reaches different people. He just released his first single in a decade, and I didn’t even listen to the whole thing. You know? That’s how it goes. And some stuff from any catalogue is going to be pretty obscure.

‘“Heroes”’ is not one of those. I’m pretty sure that ‘“Heroes”’ is basically his most famous song. He’s had all of these different phases that have been attended with various kinds of fame, but this is the one song that gets played everywhere without provocation. What’s the one David Bowie song that was selected for inclusion in Baz Luhrmann’s ode to the majesty of the 20th century’s music? Boom. ‘"Heroes”’.

These are a bunch of young dudes who let taste in a decent amount of mildly obscure music have a significant effect on their shared sense of identity. And I’m believing that they hear ‘“Heroes”’ for the first time in their final year of high school and take an entire school year to even get the name of the song? For one thing, they didn’t just hear it at some party. It was on the radio in their car. They couldn’t wait for five minutes to hear the name?

I realise that I’m being horribly hypocritical with all of this. When I was 14, the entirety of my modest social group believed that Jimmy Page was dead. I don’t even know how that happened. I don’t think that any particular member just brought it to the rest of us. It really just seemed like some fact that all of us knew independently. Some of these people barely even talked to each other. Whatever. This isn’t really about minuscule musical myths.

Maybe that was part of the point? Ignorant vanity of youth? All of that? I don’t know. I suppose that that works. I think that the movie was fair in parts. The first act felt like a generic high school comedy without the humour, but the fact that I’d spent an hour with those characters before interesting stuff started to happen made me care about them when it did. Compliments for that. Oh. The movie was “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”. This paragraph definitely could have gone at the beginning.

To the Girl

To the girl who celebrated her birthday in the company of friends and inebriation.

There were a lot of things that were going on, and I wasn’t aware of all of them, nor did I have the wherewithal to address them in an efficient manner at the time. My ignorance of the date’s significance prevented me from giving you my regards for a happy birthday, and I just didn’t seem to have time to refute your claims of ugliness. No one should feel ugly on her birthday.

Actually, I’m going to take that right back. I believe in a healthy knowledge of one’s qualities, though one could say that I am not the greatest exemplar of self-awareness. Perhaps that shouldn’t go away on special occasions. If one is aware of an ugliness that exists within oneself, that awareness should be fairly consistent. An ugly person should definitely know that he’s ugly. But I suppose that that knowledge doesn’t always have to make itself known on an emotional level. Alright. Ugly people should probably know that they’re ugly, but they don’t have to feel ugly on their birthdays. No one does. I think that my original point is still intact.

The more important point is you, though. For that reason, you can probably ignore the last paragraph, but there are several other reasons for which that might not be ideal. The first one is the fact that it’s probably too late for that, though I suppose that I’m open to the idea of the existence of some variant of dyslexia that manifests in the tendency to automatically read alternate blocks of text. The second one is my vanity. You should totally read everything I write. It is awesome. I am fantastic.

But I believe that we were talking about you.

You are not ugly. No doubt. No equivocation. On this matter, I have no misunderstandings. I am more inclined to believe that the inverse is true. You are a beautiful entity. You are a shining monad wrought from what can only be assumed to be some variety of divine marble. I don’t know. I wasn’t there for the construction. I merely had the pleasure and luck of being there briefly on the anniversary.

Now, I’m not saying that you’re not allowed to feel ugly. On the contrary, it can often be a great pose. That’s fine. I’m just saying that your birthday is probably not the best time for it. I don’t even place a great importance on birthdays, but I do believe that self-deprecation can be neglected on these sorts of evenings. You’re the Beltane, baby.

Ring Cycle

I saw "The Hobbit" recently. Great times. Man, I remember when the trilogy came out. I was in my elementary school's production of "The Hobbit" at the time.

I'm totally happy with the decision to spread it out over three films. When I like something, I just want more of it. An excess is never enough. However, the fact that the smallest book in the saga can elegantly be extended over three films just makes me think of opportunities that were missed by the truncation of the other movies. Obviously, the decompression of "The Hobbit" was just allowed because of Jackson's proven ability to make massively successful fantasy films. That wasn't really known a decade ago. 

But those were the books that would benefit most from this sort of treatment. A lengthy cycle of three films for each book? Totally awesome. Then you'd finally have time to throw Tom Bombadil in there! Because time constraints were clearly the reason for his absence in the movies. Tom Bombadil, man. Played by Peter Jackson. Apt! 

I don't really think that this exact scenario will come to pass, but that's mainly because the films were already made. Similar things definitely could, though. Most of the concluding books of successful sagas are split into two films now. That's become the norm. Beyond that, the whole deal with "The Avengers" is a very similar one. What's the count for that at this point? Five movies that were wrapped into one big one? It's rising. Lord Jackson's contract mentioned seven with room for expansion. I'm pretty sure that that's unique in western cinema. I don't think that anything outside of Shintaro Katsu's legendary engagement in the Zatoichi franchise can really beat Nick Fury for the longest run of an actor in a single role. 26, Mr Jackson. Get up there. I have faith. While we're on the subject of actors who never get tired of particular characters, I'd like to send my best wishes to Johnny Depp and his quest to make the highest possible number of Jack Sparrow movies. Do you remember those old Bing Crosby road movies? Those went on forever. I really love that approach. Do you think that that counts? Technically, each one had different characters. Anyway, it's a great way to do things. I'm still holding out for "Rush Hour 4". 

Copyright © 2011, Jaymes Buckman and David Aaron Cohen. All rights reserved. In a good way.